Motherhood

SO, 21 years ago I became a mom. That moment was the most amazing moment of my life. Little did I know at that time that one day they would be old enough to leave the nest!! Someone SHOULD have really told me that 9 months before that, but nobody did.. You always know that time will come and typically you can't wait for them to turn 18 and fly, baby, fly! But that day indeed does come. When Nicholas joined the Army I remember the day Sal and I took him to the recruiters so they could take him to St Louis and bus him back to Ft Leonard Wood(weird I know, its how it goes though) And we were sitting in the office and the recruiter said something sort of not in a nice way to Nicholas and I went all mama bear and realized I can no longer protect him and I walked out of that office and bawled my eyes out-you know, THE UGLY CRY!!! So, he went off to Basic and we went back home where only 5 kids were left , yes I know ONLY 5 kids?? Well 5 is less than 6 and 1 less than id like. So, while I was sad, I knew nick would be okay. He was joining the Army, they would take care of him, he had a paycheck, education, etc.. Several months later, Ashlee informed us that she was going to Ft Hood to wait for Blake to come home and then they were getting married. Again, I bawled the ugly cry(I take them leaving so personally, LOL like WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME?????) We had a nice wedding for Ashlee and Blake(whom we have known since he was a kid and love his parents) so I knew she would be okay, but there we went from 6 to 5 and now 4. 4??? What the hell do you do with only 4 kids? I cant cook for only 4 kids, 2 less kids is way to quiet and less chaotic for my liking. Well I realized well we still have 4 kids for a while so I wont give it another thought. Umm, wouldnt you know that Cassidy graduated and DOESNT want to go to Alaska with us.. UMM hell to the NO.. She is my baby girl, the baby that almost didnt make it 2 times in her life, my TINY and I do mean TINY baby girl.. How will she survive this cruel world without me taking care of her? Okay, so I have had the UGLY cry all week and I think I have lost 11lbs just in tears. I was thinking of doing a hunger strike for good measure, but it wont work.. DAMN us for making them responsible and wanting to achieve their goals.. DAMN DAMN DAMN that.. I have 2 years to prep for Tony leaving, so im stocking up on super glue, duct tape- why those things you ask? Well because im super gluing him to our house and the duct tape is so he cant scream for help, der! its weird, you are happy to have your kids grow up and do their thing but soo sad because they are growing up and want to do their thing.. I want to have all 6 kids around the table arguing and passing food, telling each other about their day, laughing and loving. I want to yell at them for leaving their laundry in the dryer for 2 days, for putting an empty milk jug back in the fridge, for just being kids. I have ONLY been a SAHM, that is it, its been my life and my everything. Now I have to look and think about where our lives will go next. Sure we still have Dominic and Roman for MANY years, but it just doesnt feel like MY NORMAL. I love you Nicholas, Ashlee, Cassidy, Anthony, Dominic and Roman. Bare with mama in her mentalness about you all growing up and leaving. One day our grandchildren will do the same and you will realize truly how much you were and are loved!!